Even Real Men Cry Sometimes

Auburn 20 Florida 17
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE

Thunderdome

Two teams enter.
One team leaves.

Alright alright, enough messing around. No more disrespecting Dumbo, I mean Coach Tuberville & Co. In a mere two days the boys from Alabama will be entering the Thunderdome (aka The Swamp). And while the football gods smiled on those punks last season, I'm afraid nothing can save them this year. Not even a referee that can't tell the difference between an unintentional forward pass and a fumble.

Revenge is best served in a cold can of whoop ass. Picture a rhinoceros running over a bunny rabbit and you'll start to understand what I'm talking about.

Or better yet enjoy some more Kimbo Slice tackling a guy for $100. On Saturday the part of Kimbo will be played by my good friend and roommate Tony Joiner.

Pivot Game

Coach Dumbo and his merry band of formerly dominant football players come to town this weekend. This is a pivotal game for both our teams. Auburn already has two bad losses, and if we can hand them another one, it would give them a front row seat on the train to crappytown. Our goal is to defend The Swamp and avenge our only loss from last year's spectacular season. It was our ONLY damn blemish and we want revenge bad.

On the other side of the coin, Auburn is off to a rough start at 2-2. A win against us could easily turn their season around and get them some momentum. And we don't want to speak about the other consequences of a loss to Dumbo's team - me losing my collection of lovely lady-wrappers. And the blog...NOT THE BLOG! I think I'm starting to get pretty good at this thing. That would make Tebow upset. Very Upset.

The only reason I bring this possibilty up Gator fans, is because Coach Dumbo has a habit of pulling lucky wins out of his poop shoot against Florida. I wish I could say "Well that was before I got here" but because of last year I can't. What I can do is try and rectify the situation with another solid performance. We've analyzed a lot of game tape, added in a few special plays for the offense, and even have our cornerbacks working doubletime. Coach Heater took the cornerbacks out to the local dog track yesterday and had them try and cover some greyhounds during practice races. So good luck Brandon Cox, just try and throw it downfield on Saturday.

Motivational Dilemma

Even though Auburn kinda sucks this year, we're still working really hard in practice this week. We certainly don't want a repeat of last weekend's close game. Hopefully the outcome will be as bad as a Kimbo Slice beating in The Swamp on Saturday. No mercy for Auburn. None.

Coach Meyer told me this week that if we lose to Auburn for the second year in a row he's going to take away my panty collection AND my computer so I can't blog anymore.

So it got me thinking, I don't know what I'll miss more the panty collection or the computer? I just love this blogging stuff. It's cool to give you fans an inside look at what it's like to be the QB at the best school in the country, The University of Florida. But I'll also miss my other Friday night pre-game ritual of spreading all those panties out on my bed and rolling around on them. It's a good reminder that chicks dig dominating QBs. As you can see, it's quite a dilemma.

This post is good timing as today I probably got the best pair of panties yet! Here's a pic to the right (thanks to Kristina for modeling them). After Saturday, Auburn should feel like they've been wearing a pair of them all afternoon.

Pen Pals

Got a letter from my pen pal Derek Jeter today. Some of you might not know this but I was also played baseball at Nease High School. Derek and I met when I was in the 8th grade and attended an Yankees baseball camp in Tampa prior to spring training. We became pen pals and have been writing letters ever since. Yes we write letters. Real letters. I don't think that Derek knows how to use the internet or email. I know he's been playing for the Yankees for about 15 years and maybe the internet wasn't around back then, but you'd think he'd figure it out by now. Either that or he just likes to write letters. I can see why - he's got beautiful penmanship, almost like calligraphy (see that autograph).

So Derek Jeter and I exchange letters. Mostly I ask him for leadership advice and how to handle all the pressure. I'd say he's pretty qualified leading the New York Yankees to 4 World Series titles. I wasn't expecting a letter from him now since the Yankees are coming down the stretch and they've almost caught the Red Sox for the division lead. It's nice to get a letter when obviously this is the most important time of the baseball season. And that's exactly the reason he wrote, because we are about to enter the most important stretch of the SEC season with Auburn, LSU, Kentucky and Georgia all coming up. So Derek thought it was a good time to send me some words of encouragement and stress what makes a good leader. Here's the last part of the letter:

Remember that you are playing for one of the most storied and special football programs in the country. And that no matter how rabid the fans, and how crazy their expectations are, nothing compares to what you expect from yourself. As far as your teammates are concerned, nothing speaks louder to them than actions. Actions in the weight room, in team meetings and most of all on the field. Showing a passion for the game and a never say die mentality is what great leaders are made of. These are the qualities a person just can't fake (but Alex always tries!) Good thing for you, you've already got them all.

Best wishes,
Derek

P.S. Hope you enjoy the enclosed bottle of my cologne Driven. To be a champion, you should smell like a champion.

Now that is some pretty solid advice. It's great to see what makes Derek tick. He's truly the heart and soul of the Yankees and it's so cool that I can call him a friend.
4 World Series Rings and 4 Girls. The guy is doing something right.

I Apologize

I need to first apologize to any fans out there that took my advice and bet their house on the Gators yesterday. While we won the game 30-24 over Ole Miss, we didn't cover the spread or even the over/under. So if you are now homeless and/or broke because of my bold prediction, please contact the Bob Tebow Evangelistic Association and we may be able to help you out.

A funny thing happened last week and it proves that I'm still learning this game. While I thought I was being very humble with all of the Heisman talk, Bubba, C.I. and a couple other seniors warned me that I may be getting a little cocky about our teams performance through three games. They stressed that we play in the SEC and on any given Saturday any team (even Ole Miss) can sneak up and bite you. They were exactly right and the score is eveidence of that. We are still a very young team and frankly sometimes our youth can get the better of us. Looking back at my posts from last week, I am obviously guilty of being overconfident. Again, I want to offer my sincerest apologies to anyone that wagered on the game.

It served as a great wake up call for us and just proved that our offense has a ways to go. It was nice to set a school record for rushing by a QB, and Percy had another awesome game as well. But the end result wasn't as pretty as we would have liked. As they say - a win is a win. Now with Auburn and LSU coming up, it's time to throw that game in the crapper and move on. It's imperative to be completely focused and ready.

All right with all that said, here's a little tune that pretty much sums up the mood of Ole Miss fans as we left Oxford. No doubt Colonel Reb is Cryin'

Odds Makers

Somebody pointed out to me that we were only favored by 23 points against Ole Miss. This same person also told me that the over/under is 59 1/2 for the game. I didn't know what that was, but apparantly it's the combined score of both teams for the game. Now let me ask you oddsmakers out there. If we just beat Tennessee by 39 pts at home and scored 59 pts against our last 2 opponents all by ourselves, wouldn't it seem these numbers are a tad bit low?

Now everybody knows that the ladies of Ole Miss are mostly hot, speak funny english, and really know how to flaunt their assets. But unless these girls are running around the field naked and distracting us (a legitimate possibility), I say it's a safe bet that we'll cover the spread. So if I was a betting man I'd be betting the HOUSE on the Gators tomorrow. Seriously bet your house on Florida and on Sunday you will have 2 houses.

Note - NCAA rules & regulations prohibit gambling by collegiate athletes. This doesn't affect me since gambling really just doesn't do it for me anyway.

This Ole Miss cutie is a little confused & delusional. I'll be sure to help her figure things out after the game. Absolutely.

Pie Eating Contest

I know I haven't spoken about this week's opponent, Ole Miss, very much this week. But I assure you we are preparing diligently for our first SEC road game. Their coach Ed Orgeron always gets his team ready to play and is an exceptional gameday coach. Clearly he's one of the best coaches in America

Gotcha! Sorry I couldn't keep that up any longer. Ed Orgeron, while a big tough looking guy, is really a mangina with a loud voice that nobody can understand. Orgeron couldn't coach his team to victory in a pie eating contest if he had Charlie Weis, Ralph Friedgen, Mark Mangino, and Phil Fulmer throwing them down.

The only question this weekend is will we break a hundred points.
In the first half.

Weis-Fulmer-Friedgen-Mangino
Quite a fearsome foursome of pie eaters

Premature Praise

Well after my performance against Tennessee it seems that I've been getting some attention for the Heisman. Check out the experts and the fans. I mean this is nice and all, but let me say that I'm not about the awards. I'm about winning football games. Scratch that, I'm about dominating football games. We are a team and the end result is all that matters to me. Sitting here at 3-0 is great, finishing 14-0 will be a dream come true. That's right, I'm aiming for perfection. It's never been done at the University of Florida. Remember kids - it's good to have goals and reach for your dreams. That's why I spend all that extra time in the film room with Coach Meyer & Coach Mullen. When you only sleep 1.5 hours a night, there's plenty of time for more film study.

Whatever my coaches want me to do, that's what I'm going to try to do. Whatever it takes for us to win. So while being second in the nation in pass efficiency, throwing for 835 yds, 8 TDs and rushing for 192 yds, 5 TDs is a good start for three games - the important thing is I'm contributing to the team and we're winning games. And for what it's worth we've won those games by a combined score of 167 - 54.

Both Team and Tebow start with the letters T-E. And as dad taught me, that's no coincidence.

Tennessee Postgame Notes

Did you hear that Tennessee had their scout team QB dress up as Superman to impersonate me? Complete with a cape and everything. That's awesome! While it's flattering cause I love the comic books and all, but there's a big difference between me & Superman. Kryptonite is his weakness. And as long as I'm playing football on this planet I dare you to find my weakness. Go ahead and try. Just ask Tennessee how that worked out.

I should have done this a little earlier on the blog, but I'd like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ for making our offense as potent as it is. Without God blessing myself and the Gators, none of this would be possible. And while God did create man, he obviously didn't create all man equal. Which is why there are Gators and then there are Vols. Clearly you can see the difference (about a 39 pt difference!)

So the film has been watched and all the donuts & chocolate cake stickers have been handed out to fatty fatty Fulmer. Our team nutritionists have done all the calculating to come up with a new weight for the coach who just suffered his worst loss ever at Tennessee. The verdict is this: cardboard cutout Fulmer now weighs in at 528 lbs.


That's right he gained 100+ lbs due to all our good plays that earned a sticker. Now you might think that's a lot, but realize that on any one play a couple guys could earn a sticker. For example, when I'm dropping back into our own endzone and throw a perfect strike to Percy who is streaking downfield for a 48 yd catch, that earned both of us a chocolate cake sticker to feed Fulmer. So it was easy to pile the poundage on the guy.

Royal Treatment

After a win like yesterday's I like to enjoy what I call The Royal Treatment. You know what I'm talking about - having girls fan you and feed you grapes. TJ has his own version he calls "pulling a Murphy" as in Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. I'll call up six or so girls of my choosing and have them come over and take care of me. 2 will be on fans, 2 on feeding me fruits, and 2 on fluffer duty. All wearing my favorite outfit - a thong and a wife beater t-shirt. When anyone gets tired they just call out "rotate" and switch positions, so it's a pretty good system.

So last night it was Jessica, Ashley, Tiffany, Amber, Erica, and Mandy - 6 girls, one from each of the top sororities on campus. After a night with me, each girl will go back to her house and tell all her friends and get them jealous. So it's like planting a seed in each house at once. Then again I'm Tim Tebow I don't really need to be planting any seeds. Every girl already gives me her A game when they come over. They see how hard I prepare for football games and the girls all tend to do their homework and practice their technique before they come over. You've got to be skilled to give me the Royal Treatment, just like I've got to be skilled to complete a pass for a first down while I'm falling to the ground.

Stunned Disbelief on Rocky Top: 59 - 20

Looks like Eric Ainge's parents were a little stunned watching today's game. What can I say? We are awesome, Tennessee is not. Be thankful you could witness greatness Tennessee fans. Today we unleashed the full power of our arsenal and it shows on the scoreboard. 59 - 20. Suck It Tennessee! To think if I didn't throw that damn pick six while we on the 10 yd line, it would have been even worse.


"Well Honey, looks like them there boys are playin' with a mangina in their pants"

Game Night - Hillbillies Tomorrow

The time is near. Those Rocky Top Rednecks are coming into our house, THE SWAMP, tomorrow. No way those chumps are walking out with a W.

I'm off to the team hotel in a minute. Unlike our other two games, tonight will be an early night. A big team dinner and then maybe some final film study with my receivers. We want to be well rested and ready for tomorrow.

Time to begin mentally preparing for the game. I'll got through this routine about a dozen times tonight.

I am Tebow
I am Tebow
I am Tebow
I am Tebow
I AM TEBOW
I AM TEBOW
I AM TEBOW
I AM TEBOW
I AM TEBOW
I AM TEBOW
I AM TEBOW
I AM TEBOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
Let's Go!!!! C'mon! I'm gonna RUN YOU OVER PUNK!!!!!!

If you've got a T on your helmet - get ready for some PAIN Hillbilly.

Family Dinner

Tonight I having dinner with my parents. As you might know, my parents both went to Florida and I was raised as a Gator fan. So this is really a very special time for my family, and it's so cool that I can share this experience with them. This is the first meaningful game for me as the starting QB, and I'm really fulfilling a lifetime dream. After dinner I think we might go over to Coach Meyer's house and talk about Saturday. Coach likes to make up last minute plays and test them out on his kids in the backyard. He likes to joke that if his kids can't stop it neither can our opponent (his kids are very well coached).

My dad & I also like to fill Coach Meyer in on the history of this rivalry since he's kind of new to it. Not much else to post. Practice is going well. I think we've got a good plan for Saturday and I'm confident that we'll come out on top.

Preparation & Motivation

This is Tennessee week. You know that. This is what I came to the University of Florida for - to lead my team against the best of the best, against the SEC. So it's make or break time for our season and our number 1 goal of winning the SEC again. Losing is not an option as that would put us basically 2 games behind those checkerboarded rednecks. As Coach Meyer says "Lose and we're screwed." Except well, he uses the F-word instead. As if we didn't hate Tennessee already, it's really getting pounded into our head this week. There's the big orange T's in all the urinals, and newspapers of all the close, bullshit losses to Tennessee plastered all over the walls (1998, 2001, 2003). Pardon my french, but this game gets me all wound up. Coach Meyer does NOT want this game to be close because funny things can happen, so he put up all those newspapers as a reminder of that fact.

Also, this year we added something new. Ever see the movie Major League? Well that kind of inspired this one. We've got a cardboard cutout of Phil Fulmer in the locker room and he's holding a big food tray. Any time a player makes a good play in practice they get to slap a donut sticker on the tray. On Saturday, all good plays will earn a big piece of chocolate cake sticker to also add to the tray.

Our team nutritionists estimate Fulmer's current weight to be about 422 lbs. After the game, they'll be doing all their calculations factoring in the calories of each donut & piece of cake that we feed him to figure out a new weight for the big fatty. Our goal is to get Fulmer up to 450 lbs come Sunday. If that happens we believe enough plays were made for a solid victory over Tennessee. And judging by what's been going on in practice this week, 475 lbs might not be out of the question!

Lookout Tennessee we're coming for you and your fat ass coach too.

Survivorman

Practice was brutal today. Coach Meyer made me go up against two of the offensive lineman in the Survivor Pit. He'll throw me in there with the both of them and tell me to "beat their ass and punish those guys for being fat, slow pussies." You see Coach Meyer believes that only pussies allow their quarterback to get sacked. And I got sacked twice against Troy. So he makes me straighten them out sometimes in the Survivor Pit. If I don't get sacked against Tennessee, it'll be a good game.

But I hate really hate that pit. Going up against two 300 lb lineman at the same time gets me a little sore and I usually need a massage the next day. But I don't like those dude trainers rubbing my back. There's this girl in my sociology class that gives great back rubs, maybe I'll ask Coach Meyer if she can be allowed in the training room to take care of me instead.


Speaking of the Survivor Pit.....I really like that show Survivorman. Have you seen this show? It's on the Discovery Channel and they drop this guy, Les Stroud, off in the middle of nowhere to survive for a week. He films it all himself and has to lug the equipment around. So he has to build a shelter, hunt food and avoid the dangers.


It reminds me of the time in the Phillipines when I was 10 years old and dad brought me over to help start an orphanage. We went out into the middle of the jungle, rounded up a bunch of kids and built a home for them out of sticks, leaves & mud. I even built myself a sweet jungle tree house, but dad thought it was nicer than what some of the other kids had and made me share it.

So we literally had to "survive" out in the middle of this jungle. I remember one day, just as were were getting low on provisions and food, this tiger made it's way into the orphanage village and came after one of the kids. I didn't even have time to think and I just tackled the thing and wrestled it to the ground. I put that big cat in a sleeper hold and before long it was dead. We ate tiger for a whole week and believe me it does NOT taste like chicken. I knew then that God sent that tiger into the village and chose me to kill it so that we could all eat. It was awesome and God rocks!

First Half = Awesome. Second Half = Sucks.

Coach Meyer is pissed. He hasn't yelled at us after a game like that since Auburn last year. And I agree. We should have put 80 points on those guys. We were just killing Troy at halftime 49 - 7 but fell flat in the second half. I take full responsibilty. As the quarterback, I'm in charge of running the offense and we just didn't produce in the second half. While I got to run the ball more this game (93 yds and 2 TDs) the end result of the game was NOT pretty.

I woke up early this morning and went to break down film with Coach Mullen. A lot of work needs to be done as we've got a big week ahead. Tennessee is coming to town and now the real season begins. I just know it's gonna be a tough week at practice. It's time to get to work.

Game Night - Troy St

This was an interesting week at practice. On Monday Coach Meyer pulled me aside and said that while we're playing Troy this week, he really wanted me to start focusing on the Tennessee game and prepare this week like we were playing those hillbillies. We don't plan on showing too much in tomorrow's game against Troy, but the focus and intensity will be there. We want to focus on play execution. That has been the motto of the week.

Well tomorrow is a late game, a sixer. So as long as I'm awake by noon I should be in good shape. Tonight I'm going to a party with Bubba, Percy & TJ. I don't know what to expect, but they assured me there would be plenty of girls with "flava" and that I would have a good time. And why wouldn't I have a good time? I'm Tim Tebow, good times follow me everywhere.

See you tomorrow in the endzone.

Care Package

Got a care package from Kirk Herbstreit today. I know he's trying to bribe me so I'll hang out with him when they come to Gainesville this season. Last year after the LSU game, I told him to meet me at the Alpha Gamma Delta sorority house cause I lined up some hot girls for us. Boy was he surprised to find out it doesn't exist! I wonder how long he wandered around sorority row that night.

The package was a pretty good one. It included a few Superman comic books, a big batch of fudge swirl brownies (bet his wife made them), a 6 lb jug of Muscle-Tech Hardcore protein mix, and a photo of Kirk holding Troy Smith's Heisman trophy above a toilet, pretending to flush it down (that was T.Joiner's idea to make him do that). I still don't know if I want to hang out with him though. I asked him a long time ago to get me a pair of Erin Andrews' undies for my collection, knowing that would be impossible. Erin told me that she can't stand Kirk and pretends to be all chummy on the air cause it's good for ratings (keep that a secret). So obviously Herbie will have to steal a pair somehow, if he can pull that off then I'll really owe it to Kirk to let him tag along for a night. Otherwise I can probably pass Johnny Brantley off on him, I'm sure he'd love to hang out.

Looks like I'm not the only one Herbie has eyes for.

Word of the Day

I learned a new word today: Mangina. A mangina is apparantly a man with a vagina. I was working out, finishing my third set of bench pressing 415 lbs, but I was having a tough time getting the weight up. So strength coach Mickey Marotti calls me a "mangina" for some extra motivation. Except I didn't know what that was. Mom never covered that in our home-schooled sex ed classes. Well anyway, I think this is my new favorite word. It just rolls off the toungue. Say it - Man-Gi-Na. Feels good doesn't it.

I can think of at least 5 schools on our schedule that should change their mascot to a Mangina. Come Oct you can make that 6 and add LSU to the list. In fact the entire Big 10 should collectively change their mascots to a Mangina effective tomorrow (Ohio St can be retroactive to Jan 8!)

Well there you have it, my new word of the day. I'll probably be using it a lot in this blog so I wanted to give you guys a heads up.

Game 1 - The Day After

It was great to get back out onto that field yesterday. The stadium now says 2006 National Champions in the endzone and it just gets you so fired up when you look at it. And then to see all the fans, starting with the walk into the stadium, it was truly an awesome day! After that easy win yesterday I decided to go out to the Swamp for a little bit and see my people. I love that they don't card me at any of the bars in this town. Everybody knows who I am but I don't think they realize that I just turned 20 a couple weeks ago. After throwing for 300 yds and a few touchdowns I wasn't about to point this out to them.

Today was a good morning. When Katie & Stephanie woke me up for some morning lovin I thought that I smelled something really good. So I walked out into the kitchen and Megan was cooking some bacon, eggs & waffles. My favorite! I tried to wake TJ up for breakfast but he wasn't having it. He really loves to sleep in. His loss, I wasn't going to save him any, it was just too damn delicious.

Sorry to the fans for not being able to see a complete game yesterday. I can't believe mother nature came in and cut our game 8 min short. It was just a little lightning, that never stopped me before. I was struck by lightning during a Pop Warner game and still threw for 270 yards. But the SEC has it's rules so they called the game short. Even though I was already out of the game at that point, that really sucks!

I'd rate my game performance a 5 out of 10. I was barely trying and I think my stats kinda showed that - 13/17 for 300 yd, 3 TDs. 38 yds rushing 1 TD. Those 4 incomplete passes were unfortunate but sometimes those things happen. Just gonna have to work harder in practice this week. I really wish I could have run the ball more but Coach Meyer wants me to spread it around to our playmakers and keep me healthy. He says "everytime you run you're either going to kill somebody or kill our season if you get hurt." So I'm gonna have to try and do that a little less. Believe me it's a hard adjustment. When I see an opening and there's only 3 defenders in my way, I know I can just run over them and get us a first down. Those punk Hilltoppers even took a couple cheap shots at me. One guy on the bench gave me a little shove and like I told those reporters it was probably the hardest hit of the day.

All in all it's a good start to reaching our goals this season. It could be worse, you could be Chad Henne & Michigan this morning! I couldn't resist throwing that zinger in there, it's a little payback for them bitching about getting screwed out of the BCS last year. Yes we're still laughing at you guys in Ann Arbor. I think I'll polish my championship rings now.